(Author: Charlotte Cohen, Vol. 68, No. 2, Rosh Hashanah 2013)
‘The Ten Questions’ was conceived when Aidan was seven-going-on-eight. Although he is my progeny, I am dispassionate when I say he was – and still is – cute, clever, gorgeous and talented. He is also extremely focussed, innovative and resourceful – and particularly when it comes getting his own way.
Aidan: ‘I’m starving! I really need an ice-cream.”
Me: “Aidan, you’ve just had an ice-cream.”
“Yes, but that was a cone. Now I need a cup.”
“But it’s still an ice-cream, Aidan. You can’t have two ice-creams.”
Pause…. Then he plays his trump card: “It doesn’t say that in The Ten Commandments.”
In fact, “It doesn’t say that in The Ten Commandments” was becoming his stock answer to manipulate getting whatever it was he wanted – or didn’t.
Much like the first bubble that appears on the surface of the sauce when it reaches the right temperature, and with added sprinklings from my own experience (instead of wrangling with a seven year-old how the words ‘Thou shalt respect thy mother and father’ includes ‘obeying thy elders and teachers’) – I heard myself deflecting his exhortation by saying: “It’s not The Ten Commandments, Aidan. It’s ‘The Ten Questions!’”
And with that, ‘The Ten Questions’ took its first breath.
From the enormous storage vault of the subconscious mind, constantly filled and refuelled by every word, nuance, action, thought and awareness we have ever experienced (and which we are miraculously able to retrieve and restore into consciousness when required), ‘The Ten Questions’ was also prompted by a recent assignment by our writers’ club to present something inspirational.
Because it had left a lasting impression, I revamped an analogy from Og Mandino’s ‘University of Success’. In it, Calvin – not knowing where he is, or sure whether he is dead or alive – is being questioned by a man with a check-list about the details of what he had done with his life. The core of the questions was whether Calvin had made use of the ‘gifts’ ….the ‘creative talents’ he’d been given. (Incidentally, the important ‘messages’ relayed at the end of this were a) control your own life. You weren’t designed to be ‘led’, b) take all your energy and talent – and share it and c) your only limitations will be those you place upon yourself.) This correlation, couched as it was in question form, also provided the conception, creation and germination for ‘The Ten Questions – and to which, after having uttered those fateful words, I was committed.
Because its importance had been impressed tonally to Aidan, I carefully started considering what would appear on this list of ‘moralities’ – simple enough to be understood by a child; yet relevant enough to be remembered.
As many ‘questions’ as possible were assimilated, put into categories and, with Aidan’s assistance, selected as being the most basic and significant. (One of the ‘questions’ Aidan proffered was “Did you have manners?” As we were already over the limit, we decided that, as it showed respect, it formed part of the first question.)
‘The Ten Questions’ was then transferred from paper to P.C. memory and, more particularly, for the attention of our conscious minds and into the archives of our subconscious minds.
The Ten Questions
- What ‘good and kind things’ did you do – without being asked?
- What ‘good and kind things’ did you do for the planet? Answer: Reduce, Re-use, Recycle etc.)
- Did you use the ‘special gifts’ – the talents you have been given? Did you practise and ‘polish’ them?
- Did you listen to the ‘inner voice’ – your intuition, your conscience, your logic? – or was it drowned out by what other people were telling you to do?
- Did you show courage? Did you stand up for what was right? Did you stand up for yourself? Did you stand up for a friend?
- Did you try your best? … (The question is not whether you were the best.)
- (a) What was good about making a mistake? (b) Did you take responsibility for making a mistake? (c) If you made a mistake and you hurt someone by it, what did you do?
- Did you make the most of opportunities?
- Did you use your imagination? Did you wonder why? … and how? … and whether? … and what if?
- Did you remember to say “Thank you”? Were you grateful? Did you ‘count your blessings’?
A friend remarked recently that so much is coming at us today, so many e-mails, SMS’s, so much to read and digest, that anything in point form is much easier to absorb. Perhaps because ‘The Ten Questions’ is a short simplification of principles, it is easier to remember.
They say: ‘The best way to learn is to teach.’ What I didn’t expect, though, was how ‘The Ten Questions’ would influence and reverberate on my own thinking. Relevant idioms, quotations and examples keep presenting themselves: “A mistake is only a mistake the second time you make it”, “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door”…
It produced a profound change in mind-set: I found that I was able to apologise much more easily – even if what occurred had been careless or inadvertent; that I was reminding myself; to ‘listen to the little inner voice’; to ‘stand up for myself’; to say ‘thank you’ and to keep going.
One day, while driving, I suddenly thought: “You’re a fine one! You’re asking Aidan how many ‘good and kind things he does without being asked’. But how many do you do? … Excluding supporting charities or fund-raisers, how many opportunities does one actually have in our daily routines to do a ‘good and kind thing without being asked?’ We go through our lives doing the same old things we always do, and the same things we ought to do … Unless perhaps we start consciously looking for the opportunity.
As I emerged from the supermarket, a delivery truck driver asked me if I knew where a certain farm stall was.
“You’re way off course,” I said, “It’s on the Main Road towards Wynberg. You’re on the Lower Road. You’re nowhere near it.”
He stared at me.
“Look,” I said,” I’m going to the Main Road. Follow me there. When we get to the robots, I’m turning right: You turn left. … Okay?”
He followed me until we reached the robot.
As we waited for the traffic lights to change, the question about the ‘good-and-kind-things- without-being-asked’ surfaced. What if I took him to the farm-stall? It was only a few minutes out of my way. …
It was a momentary decision: I turned left.
When we reached the farm-stall, I hooted to indicate he had reached his destination. As he slowed down to park, he started hooting and blowing kisses and shouting thank you. The workers in the back of the truck were smiling and waving vigorously. With no financial gain or outside recognition, I drove home elated – on top of the world. Even thinking about it now, gives me the same feeling: … of satisfaction, well-being, feeling good about myself. No money can buy that. I learned that doing a kindness, unasked for and of one’s own volition, is ‘soul food’ …
We learn by teaching. We also learn by listening, reading and observing. But even more so, we need to think about what we are absorbing – and what we are imparting. ‘The Ten Questions’, attempts to incorporate as much morality as possible. But it doesn‘t end there. As we progress from one circumstance to another, we build on our experience.
By contrast, just as two events led to compiling ‘The Ten Questions’, two events subsequent to writing it, made me realise, as the penny dropped, that every coin has two sides.
The first was that I had voluntarily done something extremely ‘good-and-kind’. (It did not fall into the realm of donating money or services anonymously – or directing a truck driver to his destination). However, it was only three days later, after questioning whether my gift had been received, that I received a ‘thank-you’. I found myself disappointed, hurt and more than slightly peeved – despite receiving profuse thanks later; and it had certainly produced no euphoria. In fact, it was contrary to the advocacy that doing an unasked-for kindness brings the greatest happiness; yet, conversely, reinforced the point in ‘The Ten Questions’ about remembering to say ‘thank-you’.
Secondly, falling under the umbrella of coincidence, and contained in the question “Did you wonder why and how and if ..?.” during the following week, from four completely different sources, I encountered exactly the same message:
It was referred to in Chief Rabbi Sacks’ farewell speech. It was quoted in a recorded debate with atheist, Christopher Hitchins. It appeared in a well-known on-line post and was repeated in an inspirational e-mail. It was cited as ‘the basis of ethics’; the core of ‘the Torah, all morality, and all ethical religions’. Google refers to it as ‘The Golden Rule’ (‘the ethics of reciprocity’) saying that all versions of the maxim have one aspect in common, applying it to psychology (empathy), philosophy (being another ‘self’), sociology (treating all people with consideration) and religion (of which it is an integral part). It is: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Reading these words over and over (and in a way, relating them to ’The Ten Questions’), it appeared as if the emphasis lay more on the words: ‘Do unto others …”. What followed: “…as you would have them do unto you’ almost took a supporting role. (Maybe that is why the word ‘you’ is mentioned twice – to remind us of our importance as well.)
The realisation became a bit of a wake-up call: Sometimes it is you who should be apologised to – or thanked. Sometimes it is you who has been disappointed, discouraged or wronged. The words “…as you would have them do unto you” stresses that you are worthy of the same courtesy and respect you are hopefully extending to others. What you expect of yourself, expect for yourself.
And although ‘The 10 Questions’ does remind one to ‘stand up for oneself ‘ and ‘listen to the little inner voice’, perhaps particularly in this context, it needs to be expanded upon.
“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is.” Not everyone out there is principled, making the right choices or living according to the tenets implied in ‘The Ten Questions’.
As we sift through the plethora of information that comes to us, we also need to sift through what is worth keeping and what should be discarded…(“Did you listen to your intuition, your conscience, your logic”- or was it drowned out by what other people were telling you to do?”)
From: ‘Treat others as you would have them treat you’. ….
To: ‘Don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed’.
From: ‘I was lucky to be born into a really poor family. It gave me the inspiration to work harder, to explore new opportunities and a drive to action and achievement”
And: The story of two brothers: one a respected mayor of a town; the other a jailed criminal. Both were interviewed to determine what influences had caused their lives to turn out so differently. The mayor answered: “My father beat us; my mother was an alcoholic; my sister a prostitute – what else could I be?” The jailed brother answered: “My father beat us; my mother was an alcoholic; my sister a prostitute, what else could I be?” It’s all comes down to choice: Just as we decide what to accept or how to think, so there are people who enhance our lives and add worth and happiness to it – and people who don’t. I was amazed at how ‘The Ten Questions’ had kicked in. Once again it had altered my perspective and turned my discomfort at not having received a timely ‘thank-you’, to thanking providence for a) being in a position to have done the good deed; b) doing it voluntarily and c) choosing to change my reaction. (It was a debit to her account that she had to be reminded to say thank-you).
To come back to the beginning and Aidan’s ‘come-back’ after being told he could not have a second ice-cream (despite what I said to divert him), it actually does ally itself more with The Ten Commandments. However, the difference lies in that where ‘The Ten Commandments’ was given as mandatory, ‘The Ten Questions’ refers to choice and how we choose to think. …
There were also other ‘question/choices’ to be considered at the time: ‘Did you understand the difference between the value of price and worth?’ … ‘How did you deal with disappointment or discouragement?’… ‘Did you find a good balance between work and play; between being alone and with people?’ Yet, once again, thinking it through, the idea of ‘balance’ may not apply to everyone. We are all individuals with unique choices. Highly successful artists, sportsmen and academics, do not always lead a ‘balanced lives’ according to accepted norms.
I thought Aidan would be better off and better able to mull over and decide on these when he was a little older…. As for now, Aidan (nine) knows ‘The Ten Questions’ and understands them.
And by writing them and making these thoughts tangible, it has also added an outstanding dimension to my own life.
I hope ‘The Ten Questions’ gains in value as Aidan gets older and provides him with a yardstick on which to base judgments and make decisions. I hope also that as he progresses through life (an unpredictable and strange adventure where things have a way of playing out that we cannot foresee), he will be able to add considerably more to them.
Maybe one day, we might both have learned enough to start assembling a few of ‘The Ten Truths’ or even ‘The Ten Answers” …..[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]
Charlotte Cohen is a frequent contributor of essays, poems and short stories to a wide range of South African publications, both Jewish and general.
